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Top Ten Ashes Sledges

Here, in possibly the first book extract ever to appear on a Cricinfo blog, are ten of Briggs’s favourite Ashes sledges. (Warning: fruity language.)

1 Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond on his Test debut, 2001: “Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England.”
Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my own family.”

2 Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick et al: “Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side.”

3 Hughes again: “Does your husband play cricket as well?”

4 Mike Atherton, on Merv Hughes: “I couldn't work out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with ‘arsewipe’.”

5 Dennis Lillee to Mike Gatting, 1994: “Hell, Gatt, move out of the way. I can't see the stumps.”

6 Derek Randall to Lillee, after taking a glancing blow to the head: “No good hitting me there, mate, nothing to damage.”

7 Ian Healy, placing a fielder yards away at cover when Nasser Hussain was batting: “Let's have you right under Nasser's nose.”

8 Tony Greig, England’s South African-born captain, to the young David Hookes, 1977: “When are your balls going to drop, Sonny?”
Hookes: “I don't know, but at least I'm playing cricket for my own country.” Hookes hit Greig for four consecutive fours.

9 Rod Marsh, late Seventies: “How's your wife and my kids?”
Ian Botham: “The wife's fine – the kids are ********.”

10 Bill Woodfull, Australia’s captain in the Bodyline series of 1932-33, responding to Douglas Jardine's complaint that a slip fielder had sworn at him: “All right, which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”
 

archie mac

International Coach
AussieDominance said:
10 Bill Woodfull, Australia’s captain in the Bodyline series of 1932-33, responding to Douglas Jardine's complaint that a slip fielder had sworn at him: “All right, which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”
There is no way that Bill Woodfull would ever have used the word bastard.

This quote was in fact from Victor Richardson :)
 

Poker Boy

State Vice-Captain
Merv Hughes to Robin Snith after he plays and misses"You can't f***ing bat Smith". When Robin hits Merv for four "we make a great pair. I can't f***ing bat and you can't f***ing bowl". Then on the next tour - Merv "it's four years since I bowled to you and you haven't improved" The next ball goes for four and Smith says "neither have you".
 

grecian

Cricket Web: All-Time Legend
I always liked Athers on his first tour of Australia nicking one behind, not walking and being giving not out. When he was being sworn at profusely for this, he said "when in Rome, old boy, when in Rome".

Made me laugh anyway:unsure:
 

Perm

Cricket Web: All-Time Legend
AussieDominance said:
2 Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick et al: “Mate, if you just turn the bat over you'll find the instructions on the other side.”
Heard most of these before but this one made me laugh.
 

UncleTheOne

U19 Captain
AussieDominance said:
1 Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond on his Test debut, 2001: “Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England.”
Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my own family.”
My all time favourite. What a way to put him in his place.
 

howardj

International Coach
Hate to be a wet blanket, but I seriously doubt most of those sledges ever occured, to be honest. Bit like the Steve Waugh 'you just dropped the World Cup' remark.
 

Lillian Thomson

Hall of Fame Member
Merv Hughes to Ian Botham "Hey Both, you've put on a lot of weight."
Ian Botham to Merv Hughes "I know, every time we make love your wife gives me a biscuit."
 

andyc

Cricket Web: All-Time Legend
Lillian Thomson said:
Merv Hughes to Ian Botham "Hey Both, you've put on a lot of weight."
Ian Botham to Merv Hughes "I know, every time we make love your wife gives me a biscuit."
First of all, that sledge never actually happened, and secondly, if it did, it was Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath
 

PhoenixFire

International Coach
Glenn McGrath to Shiv Chanderpaul (or some other WI player): So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?

Shiv Chanderpaul to Glenn McGrath: I don't know, why don't you ask your wife?
 

Neil Pickup

Cricket Web Moderator
PhoenixFire said:
Glenn McGrath to Shiv Chanderpaul (or some other WI player): So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?

Shiv Chanderpaul to Glenn McGrath: I don't know, why don't you ask your wife?
Ashes?
 

Lillian Thomson

Hall of Fame Member
WG Grace to Warwick Armstrong just after Armstrong had been bowled. "You should have kept your legs closed."
Warwick Armstrong to WG Grace. "So should your mother."
 

Goughy

Hall of Fame Member
Lillian Thomson said:
WG Grace to Warwick Armstrong just after Armstrong had been bowled. "You should have kept your legs closed."
Warwick Armstrong to WG Grace. "So should your mother."
Is there a source for that as I was under the impression it was Trueman and Subba Row.

After a misfield/dropped catch (depends on source) goes between Subba Rows legs Row: I'm sorry about that, it might have been better if I had kept my legs together. Trueman: Aye, it's a pity your mother didn't!

If you google Trueman, Subba Row then there are lots of examples.

It would not surprise me if there was an earlier example (ala Grace-Armstrong). Just wondering where you got it from.
 

Perm

Cricket Web: All-Time Legend
PhoenixFire said:
Glenn McGrath to Shiv Chanderpaul (or some other WI player): So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?

Shiv Chanderpaul to Glenn McGrath: I don't know, why don't you ask your wife?
I'm pretty sure it was Ramnaresh Sarwan.
 

Gloucefan

U19 Vice-Captain
Just copied and pasted from here: http://www.indiatoday.com.au/yourstory-cricketsledges.htm

My Fav', not all Ashes related.

Daryll Cullinan and Shane Warne.
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

In one of the tour matches in South Africa, Australia played Hansie Cronje's province. Cronje was at the non strikers end, there was a short chubby batsman on strike. Ian Healy yelled to Warne, (I think) "Bowl a Mars Bar half way down...We'll get him stumped" The Aussies and Cronje were all in hysterics. the batsman's retort: "Nah, Boonie fielding at short leg will be onto it before I can move."

And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c***!!!"

Ricky Ponting and Shaun Pollock.
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces. "Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it."
 

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